Even after all these years, Mother’s Day is still a sad day for me.
My mom is still with me today and I’m thankful, especially since so many of my friends mother’s have passed away. My mom taught me so many lessons in life, all the same as many of you may have experienced, but the one that benefited me the most was… my mom taught me strength. No matter how hard life gets, you just keep going.
I never realized how much strength I would need when I became a stepmom. I thought I knew but I was wrong. The boys had just turned 5 and 3 years old when I married their father. Those boys were a hurricane. They were typical high energy kids but add in all the uncertainty they were experiencing because of their parents divorce. It was a slow start building a relationship between me and the boys. Chad had custody but he never kept them from their mom, he knew how much they loved her. I never really had a chance.
I tried to do everything right. We ate dinners together around the kitchen table. We took day trips and family vacations. I attended school functions as often as I could. When they were sick I took them to the DR. When they played sports, I would cheer loudly on the sidelines. I bought them clothes and the brand of sneakers they wanted. I helped with homework and class projects. When their dad traveled because of work, I took care of all their needs. I was being the mom I always dreamed of becoming but I never saw or felt the love they gave to their mom.
I wanted a baby of my own and we did try for years. I wanted to have a child who would run to me as fast as those boys ran to their mom. I wanted a kid who would look to see if I just saw his great play on the field. I wanted to be the mom who was needed to help them feel better when they were sick. I didn’t want to have to ask if I could get a hug goodnight. I wanted to be proudly introduced to their teachers, not having to explain who I was. I would even liked to have experienced a regular ole temper tantrum in public instead of getting screamed at with ”YOU’RE NOT MY MOM”. I know those boys didn’t act this way on purpose. They never knew how all these little things hurt me. It’s just a natural bond between a mother and child that I couldn’t compete with and I wanted that for myself. Every month that dream died in the bathroom with a flush.
So yes, Mother’s Day is always hard for me. My boys are grown now and I know they love me but this special day is between them and her. I will get a call or maybe a quick visit, boys naturally aren’t the most sentimental, and then we’ll all go about our days as normal. Everyone is quick to say ”those boys love you”, ”you raised them and they know it”, “you’re as much a mom as she was” but its just not the same. There’s a void that I can’t explain, maybe it’s just me and my selfishness in wanting more.
I hope one day when those boys are raising their own kids, when they’re dealing with all the ups and downs, the hardships and sacrifices, they realize the love I had for them. I hope they learned strength from me like I did from my mom. The strength that’s needed to be a parent. The strength to love when love isn’t given back. The strength to simply stay.
The experiences I had with my boys are truly special to me and I love them very much. All I can do now is wait to see how they raise their kids. I hope some of the traditions and special memories I’ve created with them will be carried over to the next generation. I’m gonna give my mom a big hug this Mother’s Day and thank her for teaching me strength. I still need it because I still wonder every time I see a mother and a child, will I ever over get this heartbreak of infertility, Because I just don’t know.
Because I just don’t know 