My Beginning…

As I sit here at my little table outside, under my pergola, watching Boone chase the squirrels. I wonder how I’m going to start this…my blog…my story…the introduction of myself to you. How can I best describe this person than I am today? What is my WHY in starting this blog? Do I start at the beginning, the middle, or from yesterday?

But there is one story that needs to be told first. I honestly didn’t want to go there initially because I wanted you to get to know me with stories filled with laughter and positive life changing experiences. Silly stories about my pets and crazy days hanging out with my family and friends. I will have many stories that reflect a lighter side of life but this one day in my past that changed me completely needs to be told first. So I’ll sit out here on a warm summer day while I have an old box fan rattling to keep me cool and the air still lingers with the smell of the great skunk caper from a couple of days ago and I’ll tell you about it.

Be forewarned….it is not a happy story.

My best friend died!

Almost 4 years ago I woke up early one morning excited because I had new furniture being delivered. We had only been in our new home a couple of weeks and after some remodeling and an exhausting move in day it was all finally coming together and feeling like home. As most of us do, I went to log into Facebook and check in and also post about my excitement for the day ahead.

The first post I read is my friend’s daughter Hayli’s and how she lost her best friend late that night. I’ll be honest, it literally took me reading it several times over and over for me to realize she was talking about MY best friend, her mother. I also noticed in that same moment all the missed calls and messenger notifications where several people had been trying to get in touch with me overnight. Since I was in a new place my home number had been changed so no one knew how to call me and I have bad cell phone coverage out in the countryside where we now live so this is how I found out my best friend since 7th grade was gone.

I knew I had been screaming No!No!No! but I couldn’t hear it. I knew I was still breathing but I couldn’t feel the air in my lungs. I knew I started walking and running around trying to find a phone to call someone, anyone but I had no sense of direction. I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to believe it was true. Tami was just here last weekend visiting and seeing my new house. I was in a nightmare and I couldn’t wake up.

Tami was the driving force of my daily life. She always believed in us and our future. I still think about all the plans we had made while we were growing old together. Tami was very bossy with me but that’s how she pushed me to get out of my comfort zone. She was my confidence and she always had my back whether we agreed or not.

I would never be the same person again. I died on that day too and the pain of it was excruciating.

Since that day I’ve been on a journey of rediscovery and reinventing myself. The first couple of years were basically a void. I did nothing but the basics of survival. I worked and I just stayed home. My husband and I got into a homebody routine and we just settled in with each other. Now don’t get me wrong, living in such a hustle and bustle city like Atlanta Ga. the peace and quiet was nice but I was still withdrawing from everyone else in my life.

Tami will always be a part of who I was and will be. This is why I needed to tell this story first. It was the most pivotal point of my life to this day and looking back I now realize that Tami had already been putting me on some new and exciting paths and had also reconnected me with old friends who are now an integral part of who I am today.

The loss of my friend is one of the main, if not the main reason, that I’ve started this blog. I believe writing it all down will help me with my grief and future growth as the new person I want to be. I want to live again and I’ve taken many steps toward that goal.

Hopefully you’ll read and go along with me as I try to figure this thing called life and what it holds for me because I just don’t know.